Attachment Styles, Meet Dating Apps
Written by Cassandra Currado
We can’t deny it anymore. Dating apps are a part of life and it seems like they’re here to stay. As you swipe left and right through your potential matches, have you ever been curious about what might be guiding the choices you make? With an endless amount of potential matches at our fingertips, it’s time to learn about the role your attachment style plays in your relationships and online dating behaviours.
What is Attachment Style?
The idea of attachment styles were first developed through the work of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. The theory of attachment explains how the early emotional bonds you create with your attachment figures (usually your parents) form your blueprint of expectations in future relationships. The consistency and appropriateness of how your needs were met as a baby can later influence how you manage conflict, view emotional intimacy, respond to stress, and form friendships and romantic relationships. When you learn about your attachment style you can understand a key to your relationships, why you’re attracted to certain dynamics, and why you keep experiencing the same problems in your relationships.
Before we get too deep, it’s important to understand a few things about attachment.
Your attachment style isn’t the one and only thing influencing your relationships (though it’s influence is HUGE and can’t be ignored).
Attachment styles exist on a spectrum and can flex depending on your partner. Your insecure attachment could be closer or further away from secure attachment, and you might see yourself responding differently depending on how your partner is showing up and triggering you.
Attachment styles aren’t permanent. If you have an insecure attachment you can work on it and move to what we call an “earned secure attachment”.
The Attachment Styles
Keeping the above in mind, let’s look at the 4 main categories of attachment and how they show up in adult romantic relationships.
Secure Attachment
Feel comfortable becoming close with others and dating people
Feel comfortable depending on others when they need support
Able to create clear boundaries and expectations in relationships
Feel comfortable being single
Able to trust others and are trustworthy themselves
Example: The person with a balanced approach to texting; they’re attentive and consistent but not overbearing
Anxious Attachment
Feel an urgency for intimacy and relationships, but fear abandonment/rejection
Want constant affection and reassurance in relationships
Feel uncomfortable being single
Have trust issues, but excessively rely on others
Feel like your partner doesn’t like you as much as you like them - can relate to jealousy
Example: The person that sends back-to-back text messages and excessively calls their partner because they haven’t heard from them in a couple hours
Avoidant Attachment
Feel uncomfortable with intimacy and emotional closeness
Avoid commitment and expect relationships to fail
Very independent and don’t rely on others
Try to stay emotionally distant and complain about feeling “suffocated” in relationships
Feel uncomfortable sharing things about themselves with friends and partners
Example: The person that goes hours and days without responding to your messages, to one day ‘ghost’ you with no explanation
Attachment Style Influences on How You Use Dating Apps
Have you ever stopped to think about why you use dating apps? Online dating gives you the unique opportunity to read a fairly detailed snapshot of each potential match that comes across your screen. You can learn about their interests, relationship intentions, politics, family and friends all before either one of you says a simple: Hey what’s up? You may be surprised to learn that your attachment style plays a key role in your choice to use dating apps, how you swipe through potential matches and engage with people in this context.
Overall, researchers have found that people with secure attachment styles are likely to use dating apps in a healthy, well-balanced manner. With this, securely attached people are more likely to have positive dating experiences when using dating apps. There’s a healthy balance between being interested in a committed relationship and remaining open to new opportunities for their dating life.
For those that are anxiously attached, there’s a sense of urgency when using dating apps. Those with an anxious attachment are more likely to excessively swipe on dating apps to increase their chances for affection and assurance, despite their greatest fear: rejection. This is because dating apps give users instant reassurance as they match with potential partners that show interest in them.
People that have an avoidant attachment style may or may not use dating apps. Since these individuals try to avoid emotional connections and commitment, they may not use dating apps based on their expectation for unsuccessful dating experiences. However, a person who’s avoidantly attached may choose to use dating apps to engage in ‘hookup’ culture. These individuals are more likely to have uncommitted, casual relationships and are likely to use dating apps to do so.
Do you know what your attachment style is? The best way to learn about your attachment style is with your therapist. But you can start exploring on your own by taking the quiz and reading the content on one of our favourite website resources The Attachment Project
Updating Your Relationship Blueprint
Before you start blaming your parents for your dating life and unsuccessful relationships, know that, your attachment style can change over time through new healthy relationships and experiences. Regardless of your attachment style, we are all born with the need for social connection and love in relationships. However, not everyone has experienced the feelings of mutual love, trust and respect in their relationships. Just because you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style doesn’t mean you’re doomed. When you understand your attachment style you can recognize whether your attachment style is working for you, or hindering your ability to form healthy relationships.
If you identify as an anxiously attached person, take a moment to focus inward instead of rushing to find your next relationship. Ask yourself: Am I content with who I am? What do I want, need and deserve? What are my boundaries and expectations in relationships? When you take the time to build a secure relationship with yourself, you create the opportunity to have secure relationships with others.
If you identify as an avoidantly attached person, try to force yourself out of your comfort zone. Even though you try to avoid connections, relationships of any kind can bring you so many benefits and improve your wellbeing. Something as simple as sharing more things about yourself in your friendships can allow you to trust others and gain more positive experiences in your future relationships.
Relationship therapy can help you understand how attachment is influencing your relationship by helping you build awareness around what happens in your body when you’re swiping, chatting, and chatting, exploring the beliefs and expectations you have about dating and relationships, and being a safe place for you to explore and try new things when you do become part of a couple.
A really cool thing to know, the healthy, secure relationship you build with your therapist is itself a tool to help heal insecure attachments. Keep showing up to therapy and watch how your attachment style can transform.
Relationships and dating can be exhausting. Trying to navigate the online dating world with real-world interactions can be stressful. At The Relationship Agency we want you to create strong and healthy relationships. Through relationship therapy we can help you understand why you keep getting hurt in your relationships, or why you’re having difficulty feeling close to others. Relationships should be fun and rewarding. We’re here to support you and want to help you update your relationship blueprint. Whether you’re coming to therapy for anxiety, depression, couples work, or another life transition, exploring your attachment style is bound to be helpful.
Take the first step in learning about and healing your attachment style so that you can lead a more fulfilling life. Book your free 20 minute consultation with one of our expert relationship therapists.
Want to learn more about our services? Read more about how we help with relationship therapy, couples counseling, premarital counseling, anxiety, depression, and burnout, grief therapy, and more.
Sources
Chin, K., Edelstein, R.S., & Vernon, P.A. (2019). Attached to dating apps: Attachment orientations and preferences for dating apps. Mobile Media & Communication, 7(1), 41-59. https://doi.org/10.1177/2050157918770696
Coffey, J., Bond, D.K., Stern, J.A., & Van Why, N. (2022). Sexual experiences and attachment styles in online and offline dating contexts. International Journal of Sexual Health, 34(4), 665-678. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2022.2110349
