How to Cope With Grief During the Holidays
Written by Michelle Garraway and Cassandra Curado
Christmas markets, family dinners, and playing in the snow. The holiday season is typically viewed as a time of joy and connection, but when you’ve lost a loved one the holidays can be harder than the rest of the year. It can feel like you’re on the outside looking in, conflicted over the pain and the joy, or just going through the motions. Though everyone’s grieving process is different, there are ways you can be kind to yourself through the holidays give yourself the support and care you deserve.
The Grieving Process
It used to be widely believed that there was a predictable process to how we move through grief (think the 5 stages of grief). We now we know that grief is a messy and persistent thing, that doesn’t exist in one specific form. Experiencing a loss of any kind comes with all kind of differing and sometimes conflicting emotions. Everyone experiences grief differently, and there’s no right or wrong when it comes to grieving. Just because you and your family may be sharing the same loss, it doesn’t mean you’ll all process this at the same rate or in the same way.
The holidays are often a time where memories are made with friends and family. Thoughts of holidays past with the missing person can come rushing in, along with sadness about not being able to make new memories together. Even though the holidays can be a time of joy, when you’re grieving, these joyful holiday emotions can actually emphasize the pain you’re experiencing. This holds true, regardless of how much time has passed since the loss of your loved one.
It can be challenging to figure out how to cope when you’re faced with the conflicting emotions of holiday cheer and the sadness that accompanies your loss. On one hand you may feel sad and guilty trying to go through the holidays without your loved one. On the other hand you may feel like you have to participate in holiday festivities to support the other people in your life. Everyone is different. It’s important to give yourself the kindness and space you need to figure out what’s best for you this holiday season.
How to Cope with Grief During the Holidays
1. Feel Your Emotions
You may experience overwhelming emotions during your grieving process and that’s okay. It’s important to give yourself space to feel these emotions without judgement. Your feelings, no matter how conflicting they may feel, are valid. Though you may be nervous to feel these emotions at first, allowing yourself to do so can help you through your grieving process.
“Feelings are information and they want your attention. What are they trying to tell you?”
- Michelle Garraway
Think of your emotions as a beach ball in a pool of water. You can push and hold the beach ball below the surface. However, eventually that beach ball will float back to the top. When you try to hold back your emotions they don’t disappear. Rather, suppressing your emotions causes them to build up inside. Then if you add the stress that comes with the hectic holiday season, these once suppressed emotions can resurface with a greater force.
Something as simple as writing your emotions and thoughts down in a journal can give you the necessary space to acknowledge and accept what you’re experiencing. As you approach the holiday season, try writing out how this loss has been affecting you. Doing so allows you to express your emotions in a non-judgemental environment, and can help you manage your emotions as you navigate the holidays.
2. Be Kind to Yourself
Trying to process the loss of a loved one is a challenging and unavoidable experience. It’s important to show yourself kindness as you continue to grieve. Get comfortable with the word “no”. You don’t have to attend every single event just because it’s the holiday season. Stay in check with yourself and how you’re feeling. If you feel comfortable and are wanting to go to your friend’s Christmas dinner party, then go. If the day finally comes and the thought of socializing with a lot of people is overwhelming, then show yourself kindness and stay home.
3. Practice Self-Care
Practicing self-care means that you’re including activities in your daily routine to help support your physical, mental and emotional health. Self-care looks different for everyone and depends on your interests and lifestyle. Figuring out what works for you can take some time, but here are some simple healthy habits and self-care practices you can try:
Get enough sleep
Eat nourishing foods
Drink enough water
Exercise
Go for a walk outside
Have a relaxing bath
Read your favourite book
4. Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries
It’s important not to rush your grieving process. Consider how you’re feeling and meet yourself at your level of readiness. If you feel like you’re emotionally and mentally ready to socialize at your family’s holiday dinner, then do so. However, that doesn’t mean you have to stay the entire time. If you’re feeling hesitant about participating in the Christmas traditions, try to clearly communicate this with your family and friends. Though you may feel pressured to participate in every holiday festivity, only do what you feel is the best for you mentally and emotionally.
5. Find Ways to Honour Your Loved One During the Holidays
My favourite quote about grief is that “grief is love with no place to go”. Grief comes with a lot of longing that is hard to express, the love that you had for the person you lost is still there and is yearning to be shared. Honour their memory and make space for your grief by acting out the love you had for them. Here are a few ideas of how you can express your love:
Light a candle for them
Make a toast or say a prayer during your holiday dinner
Share memories with family and friends
Make memorial ornaments
Make their favourite holiday recipe
Donate to an organization that was important to them
Visit their place of rest
Do an activity that you used to do together
Perform an act of kindness for someone that reminds you of them
6. Show Kindness to Others
When you feel sad and lonely, an effective way to ease this pain is to help others, and the holidays are a great time for this. For example, you could donate food to a food bank or volunteer your time at a homeless shelter. Your act of kindness could even be as simple as cooking a meal for a friend or giving someone a compliment. Any way to share your kindness with others can help you feel more connected and hopeful.
7. Talk to a Therapist
Being able to talk about your grieving experience can help you identify ways to cope with this loss. However, sometimes talking with family and friends about these painful emotions can feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. If this is the case, reaching out to a therapist can provide you with a safe space to feel these emotions and process your grief. Through our services at The Relationship Agency, you can work with one of our compassionate therapists to process the pain you feel and honour the loss of your loved one.
Sara Mottola, MSW, RSW
Sara is an expert in grief, having worked with families and individuals in the MAiD (Medical Assistance in Dying) program, she has the strength, patience, and compassion to walk with you through your grief.
Read more about Sara here or click the button below to book your first session or free consultation.
