Your 2024 New Year’s Relationship Resolutions
Written by Michelle Garraway and Cassandra Curado
It’s that time again. A new year, a fresh start, big goals and plans. When most people make new year’s resolutions they focus on things like advancing their career, improving their health and fitness, or taking a big trip. But what about the thing that’s most likely to actually improve your happiness and quality of life - relationships. Being intentional about how you show up in your relationships is your therapist prescribed task for 2024, and here are 4 resolutions you can make to improve the quality of your relationships and improve your life.
1. Stop Playing Chess in Your Relationships
The modern relationship chess match goes something like this: “I really enjoyed my date with them, but I have to wait 3 days before I can call,” or “My husband never helps with the chores, so I’m just going to stop washing his laundry for him and maybe he’ll realize I want help.”
It’s time to stop playing mind games in your relationships. Dating and building relationships are not a strategic game of chess. We’re all guilty of playing these games as they’ve become the new norm in relationships. However, relying on these mind games can be harmful for everyone involved. It’s time to act in ways that align with the type of relationship you want.
When we play mind games in relationships we’re often trying to protect ourselves and make decisions based on how we think someone else will respond. In many cases we try to control other people’s perception of us and avoid having vulnerable conversations. Though we may be protecting ourselves, playing these mind games creates issues of mistrust, insecurity, unhealthy power dynamics, conflict and wasted energy for you and your partner. This year, aim to build your relationships with a strong foundation of vulnerability, honesty, trust and care to bring your authentic self forward for others to admire.
How to Be Your Authentic Self
Reflect on Your Behaviour
Consider why you’re playing games in your relationships. What are you trying to protect? Is there emotional baggage from past relationships? Are you trying to get your partner’s attention?
Be Honest
The best way to show your authentic self is to BE YOU! Everyone wants to find someone, whether it be a friend or a partner, who allows them to be 100% themselves. To bring your authentic self to the spotlight, be open and honest in your relationships to create a strong foundation. This creates an opportunity for clear communication between you and your partner, rather than choosing to play those exhausting mind games.
Show Consistency
It’s important to be consistent with your words and actions in your relationships. Doing so can help your relationship form through mutual respect, care and trust.
Get Support
If you’re finding it difficult to build long-lasting, healthy relationships consider reaching out to counselling services for support. At The Relationship Agency we know how important and powerful relationships are in all aspects of life. We offer relationship therapy services to help you understand your needs, what healthy relationships look like and work towards the fulfilling relationships you deserve.
2. Learn About Your Attachment Style
Attachment theory has made it to the mainstream in recent years, but there’s still a lot of misunderstanding about what it actually is and how it impacts your adult relationships. Everyone’s attachment style begins to form as a baby. Your attachment system takes shape based on the emotional bond you create with your primary caregiver, which is usually your parent. These early interactions form the blueprint for your expectations and needs in relationships. Through research, psychologists like John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, found that these early emotional bonds continue to influence your future relationships as an adult. There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant. Though these attachment styles initially form early in life, new experiences in your relationships can cause them to change over time.
Imagine this: You just had an argument with your partner. Do you calmly and openly communicate your frustrations with your partner and give them an opportunity to do the same? Do you completely shut down, go blank and walk away? Or are you overwhelmed with urgency and need to resolve this argument right away? Your answer is your attachment system at play.
Being able to understand your attachment style can help you learn about yourself and your relationships. Each attachment style thrives when certain needs and expectations are met. When you understand your own behaviour, how you view your partner, and identify your needs you can build fulfilling relationships.
Characteristics of Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships
Secure Attachment
Believe in romantic love
Good self-esteem
Comfortable sharing their feelings within relationships
Seek social support when needed
Feel a sense of autonomy and self-acceptance
Anxious Attachment
Report falling in love often
Worry that their feelings aren’t reciprocated in relationships
Feel very distressed when a relationship ends
Need validation and constant reassurance from partner
Can be overly-dependent on others
Avoidant Attachment
Believe love is rare and temporary
Likely to avoid intimacy
Have great difficulty sharing their feelings within relationships
More likely to have casual sexual relationships
Make Your Relationships a Priority
Many people tend to prioritize things like physical and mental health when working on themselves. Did you know that prioritizing your relationships is just as important and will improve all aspects of your life in the process? Starting in 1938, Harvard began tracking the health and wellbeing of 268 students. Continuing over the past 85 years, this is the longest study to ever be done while answering the million dollar question: What makes a happy and healthy life? The answer…RELATIONSHIPS.
Everyone ages, but strong relationships slow down the mental and physical decline we expect as we get older. Compared to all other aspects of life like genetics and social class, having supportive social relationships was the strongest factor in having a long and happy life.
“When the study began, nobody cared about empathy or attachment. But the key to healthy aging is relationships, relationships, relationships.”
~ George Vaillant; Psychiatrist led the Harvard study from 1972-2004
When you prioritize your relationships you set yourself up for a healthy and fulfilling life. However, you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to enjoy these benefits. If you’re single, focus on your relationship with yourself, your family and friends. If you’re in a romantic relationship, continue to show up for your partner to make sure they get the best of you. Healthy relationships are the key to a fulfilling life and it’s time to prioritize them to achieve the life we’re all so deserving of.
“It's important to not focus on trying to get everything you need from one relationship. Instead, focus on having a network of social support with a variety of different types of relationships — from romantic, to friendship to associate — to hold up your well-being and quality of life."
~ Dr. Sheehan D. Fisher, PhD; relationship expert and Northwestern Medicine Psychologist
4. Have Fun
Relationships are important, but it’s just as important to have fun and enjoy your time with others. When we’re open to new experiences we can learn new things about ourselves, our partners and relationships. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, open yourself up to different opportunities and give yourself the space to enjoy them.
Researchers found that when couples try new activities together they are more satisfied with their relationship and feel a greater sense of love for each other. To keep things exciting, brainstorm a list of activities with your partner to try together. This could include trying a new hobby, travelling, going to an art exhibit or eating at a new restaurant. If you’re single you can try brainstorming with friends, or think of new life experiences you want for yourself. The world is filled with an endless amount of possibilities and there’s no better time to start exploring.
