Improving Your Relationships Through Self-Love
Written by Cassandra Curado
When you think of experiencing love typically your first thought is the love you have for and with others, like maybe a romantic partner, family member or friend. With this, often the most important form of love is forgotten - SELF-LOVE! This blog post will outline how to practice self-love to support your wellbeing while also fostering healthy relationships with others.
Self-Love: What is It?
To put it quite simply, self-love is about learning to appreciate yourself and taking care of your needs instead of constantly prioritizing others. It’s about not settling for less than you deserve and being grateful for who you are. Self-love involves taking a constant and active approach to achieve happiness and personal growth through your own support.
From a very young age most of us are taught to look to others for validation. For example, hoping you got a sticker on your test in elementary school to signify you did a good job. Though it’s great to have people in your life cheering you on through your achievements, validation and love are far more meaningful when it comes from within. Relationships come and go and so does the validation that you receive from others. However, you will remain constant, which is why it’s so important to have that love within yourself.
The Give and Take of Relationships
Now there was a time when the term “self-love” was viewed as being selfish; however, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. I mean it does seem like self-love would benefit only you, but again this just isn’t true. Yes, learning to love yourself is about forming a relationship with yourself. However, the relationship you have with yourself is often a reflection of the relationships you have with others. When you have a strong and healthy relationship with yourself you tend to gravitate towards things and people that nurture the self-love you’ve cultivated. Alternatively, having low self-esteem can make you more vulnerable to seek out any form of external validation you can find. This alone can create unhealthy relationships in your life, but it can also lead you to under-appreciate and doubt the relationships you have - all of which reinforces the vicious cycle of negative self-talk.
Relationships should never be one-sided. They have a give-and-take dynamic, which when built on a healthy foundation can allow both people to thrive. In fact, serious problems arise when one person is constantly giving within a relationship while the other sits back to take all the love and validation. It’s important to learn to love yourself first, because doing so allows you to foster stable and reciprocal relationships with others. When you feel good about yourself and take care of you, you’re able to do the same for those around you.
“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
~ RuPaul; American Drag Queen and TV Host
What the Research Says
The Benefits of Self-Love for YOU:
Supports your wellbeing and improves mental health
Increased self-acceptance
Increased self-esteem
Increased motivation
The Benefits of Self-Love for Your Relationships with Others:
Allows current and future relationships to thrive
Creates reciprocal relationships of support and care
Can show appreciation for the people in your life
Cultivates healthy boundaries and relationships
Practicing Self-Love
Now, reframing your perspective and leading your life with self-love can have its challenges, especially at first. As with anything, learning to love yourself takes practice until it becomes a habit and part of your lifestyle. However, your journey for self-love can begin with the simple action of showing yourself appreciation. Something as simple as noticing and replacing your negative self-talk with kindness and positivity can help you learn to love yourself, but don’t just stop here.
Self-love can look and feel a bit different for everyone. It’s about finding things you can integrate into your daily life that bring you joy and allow you to appreciate yourself for who you are. Here is a list of ways you can try practicing self-love, but I also encourage you to explore other ways to build a strong relationship with yourself. Listen to your body and mind to understand what you need.
Meditation and Mindfulness
Learning to be mindful and practice meditation isn’t always easy, but doing so can allow you to understand what you truly think, feel and need. These practices help you create space to notice how your mind is often swarmed with thoughts. You may even begin to realize that your own negative thoughts are the source of a lot of the challenges you face. It’s through mindfulness that you can work towards living your life in the present moment, creating space to say “hey, I hear you” to those negative thoughts, and then moving forward with a positive lens.
2. Expressing Self-Gratitude
Practicing gratitude means that you recognize your strengths and achievements. This can be something as simple as rewarding yourself for a well-done day at work, or for completing all of your housework. To create more conscious space for gratitude in your life, consider writing in a gratitude journal where you can keep record of all the positive things happening in your life. This can be especially helpful on those hard days, and will help you learn how to create internal validation rather than seeking it elsewhere.
3. Self-Care
Self-care! Self-care! Self-care! I know this seems like such a buzz-word right now, but it still begs repeating. Learning how to practice self-care can not only help foster self-love, but can help support your entire wellbeing in general. Truthfully, it’s a lot easier to love yourself and feel good about yourself when your needs are taken care of. Self-care can look differently for everyone, but in short it involves caring for your physical, mental and emotional self each day. Taking the time each day to do one of your favourite hobbies, nourish your body with healthy food, releasing tension through exercise, or just doing something that makes YOU happy can be a great opportunity to foster internal love and care.
4. Setting Healthy Boundaries
When we don’t love ourselves as we should we can tend to fall into the vicious cycle of people-pleasing. As a certified people-pleaser you may believe you just have a big heart and want to help the people in your life. While this may be true, often these feelings are disguised by the true desire of getting validation from others. Learning how to set healthy boundaries can feel uncomfortable and really challenging, but it can all be possible with the help of a two letter word… NO. That doesn’t mean you need to say no all the time, but rather learn to respect your time and energy. You need to be there for you before you can be there for others.
Getting Support
Learning how to love yourself can be easier said than done. Oftentimes the desire to get validation from others is so ingrained within our mind that we don’t even realize it. At The Relationship Agency we offer individual relationship therapy, couples therapy and women’s therapy, all of which can help you improve your relationships. We’re here to support and help you foster ALL of your relationships, including the one you have with yourself.