Understanding the Importance of Attachment Styles in Couples Therapy
Written by Cassandra Curado
Whether you tend to self-sabotage your relationships, fear rejection or intimacy we all have the need for love and relationships. It may seem as though you keep experiencing the same struggles over and over in your relationships, but why? The answer is often rooted in your attachment style. Through this blog post you’ll learn about the role your attachment style plays in your relationships and how it can be supported through couples therapy. As you come to understand your attachment style and the role you play in your relationship, you will be able to better navigate the ‘dance’ of attachments with your partner and foster a secure relationship together.
Attachment Styles - Where Do They Come From?
Attachment theory was created through the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Through their research, attachment theory was used to describe how early childhood experiences with your primary caregiver (usually your parent) can influence your approach to relationships later in life. The way your parents interacted with you as an infant emotionally and physically can influence your expectations of relationships, intimacy and conflict. Though these early experiences tend to influence your attachment style as an adult, your attachment style can change overtime with different partners, life events or through therapy.
Attachment Styles
I sometimes like to think of attachment styles as the oxygen of your relationships. Much like the oxygen we breathe they are pervasive and influence multiple areas of your life, and yet often go unnoticed. They lay the foundation for how you behave in relationships, the type of relationships you seek, and how you deal with conflict. Being such an influential factor in how your relationships function, here is some more information on the different attachment styles and how they’re expressed in your adult relationships.
Anxious Attachment
Feel constant worry in your relationships and seek reassurance from your partner
Others label you as ‘clingy’ in relationships as you primarily rely on others
Struggle to trust your partner and easily experience jealousy
View others more positively than yourself - “My partner is my better half”
Avoidant Attachment
Can come across as ‘cold’ in your relationships
May describe yourself as highly independent
Avoid sharing how you feel because it makes you uncomfortable
May use anger to dismiss and suppress more vulnerable emotions
Typically not looking for a “serious relationship”
Secure Attachment
Can set healthy boundaries in relationships
Thrive in relationships, but also content being on your own
Trust yourself and others when you need support
Seek to resolve conflict and openly express your emotions
Want to find out what your attachment style is? The best way to do this is to work alongside a therapist to explore your attachment style and how it’s affecting your relationships. Depending on the relationship concerns you want to address, you may want to consider couples therapy to explore your attachment style with your partner and understand your relationship dynamics together. If your curious mind wants to start exploring, try taking this quiz by The Attachment Project.
Attachment Styles, Welcome to Couples Therapy
One of the best ways to work on your relationship is through couples therapy. Couples therapy can help many different aspects of your relationship, some of which include: conflict management, improving communication, identifying relationship concerns, and supporting your attachment dynamics with each other. At The Relationship Agency our therapists are trained in a form of couples therapy known as emotion focused therapy, which specifically aims to improve your attachment to and emotional connection with your partner.
Your attachment style functions as your internal alarm and is used as a way to protect yourself. Oftentimes when you experience stress or conflict in your relationships your attachment alarm will go off. As an anxiously attached person, any time you feel your partner pulling away or shutting you out, your attachment alarm rings and can have you working overtime in your relationship. During these times you may find yourself giving more and more to get the attention and validation you desire from your partner. As someone with an avoidant attachment, your attachment alarm is more likely to go off when you feel your partner is relying on you too much or the relationship is progressing faster than you’re comfortable with. In this scenario you may find yourself dismissing your partner, ignoring their concerns and drawing back from the relationship to protect yourself.
Within couples therapy, your therapist can work with you and your partner to understand how your attachment styles are ‘dancing’ with each other to shape the current dynamics of your relationship. Are your attachment styles and relationship expectations aligning with one another? Are they supportive, or are they triggering each other’s attachment alarms? As your therapist watches your attachments dance before them, they will be able to work with both of you to foster a supportive and secure relationship.
Through couples therapy you and your partner will be able to gain self-awareness of how your own attachment style is contributing to your relationship dynamic and the concerns you may have. Just by gaining this awareness you and your partner will be one step closer to creating an ‘earned’ secure attachment style. Your therapist will work to create a safe space and help you rewrite your typical approach to managing conflict and communicating. As you rewrite your relationship blueprint together, you can form the supportive relationship you’re both deserving of.
At The Relationship Agency we offer couples counselling and are ready to help you and your partner thrive within your relationship. If your partner is not ready to take this step with you, then you can consider individual relationship therapy as an option for now. Though it’s always best to have both partners in the therapy session when working on your relationship, we are here to support you. Discover how attachment styles can improve your relationship through couples therapy in Oshawa—contact us for a consultation today.
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