5 Qualities of a Healthy Relationship
I work with both couples and individual clients. Some of my individual clients choose to work with me because they feel like they’re always in bad relationships. They’ve tried to date different kinds of people but no matter what it doesn’t work out and can sometimes even be toxic. I’ve had many people say to me “I don’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like”. If you were to ask your friends and family you’ll probably get a lot of different answers. A lot of people will say things like trust and communication. Others will tell you that you have to have the same interests or values. But who is right? And what do those things even mean?
Without a definition of a healthy relationship you don’t have anything to strive for or agree on.
I practice a type of couples therapy called PACT (the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy). In PACT we refer to a healthy relationship as a secure functioning relationship, and there are 5 components of a secure relationship that a PACT therapist will always be pushing you toward. They are:
Safety
Sensitivity
Justice
Collaboration
Mutuality
1. Safety
Safety in a relationship means what it sounds like. There is no threat to yourself either mentally, emotionally, or physically. You’re not afraid of your partner. It goes further into a sense of safety in the commitment to the relationship. Making threats to end a relationship, to walk away or using the word divorce any time you’re in a fight, makes a relationship unsafe. If you want a healthy relationship, don’t make threats to end it.
2. Sensitivity
Sensitivity speaks to an awareness of your partner’s needs and what is going on with them. You can have sensitivity by becoming an expert on your partner. Learn how they want to be loved, what upsets them, and how they want to be supported. Learn these things about yourself too so that you can teach your partner how to love you.
3. Justice
Justice is about equal sharing of power, but also about how you repair from conflict and fights. Related to power is respect. Couples who lack justice will do things like speak negatively about their partners in public. Another common issue with justice that you might not think of is avoiding conflict. Not working to resolve conflict with your partner is unjust. If you avoid conflict you’re not doing your part in repair and are leaving your teammate out on their own.
4. Collaboration
Collaboration is what it sounds like. In a healthy relationship you work as a partnership, or what we in PACT call a 2 person system. Here’s a secret: when I first meet a couple I’m listening for what’s called a “collaborative narrative” - telling the story of your relationship together, instead of one person doing all the talking and the other sitting silently. A collaborative narrative is a sign to me that you’re collaborative overall and working as a team.
5. Mutuality
I explain mutuality to my couples counselling clients as “what’s good for me is good for you”. That means that when you’re making decisions about how to operate in your relationship, if it’s good for you it has to also be good for your partner - otherwise it isn’t good for you. This can be a big hurdle for a lot of people to get over, as most of us in Western cultures are raised to operate as a one person system.
These 5 qualities are what makes a “secure functioning” relationship.
Secure functioning is the ideal relationship state that fosters security and trust and allows for each partner to fully express their authentic selves. Because it’s ideal, that means it’s always something to be working towards, not a static state. Set your goals high and keep reaching for them, together.
